Of Zombies and Security Guards.

When Zombies Attack!

Have you asked your security provider what their procedures are in the event of a Zombie attack?

Sadly it seems that most security companies are not offering any anti-Zombie training and have no standard operating procedures to follow in Zombie attacks.  A random sample of 50 Australian security companies that I conducted yesterday revealed that not one of them had a Zombie manual available to its guards. None of the managers I spoke to even knew how to kill a zombie. This is a great concern to us because all too often the first person to get attacked by Zombies is the security guard.

Since a security guard is often the first point of contact for Zombies it is vital that they have some understanding of how to deal with them.

The most effective way to deal with Zombies is to kill them immediately before they have had a chance to infect others.  All guards working for you should be aware that to kill a zombie you must destroy their brains. It doesn’t matter how but I have included a few suggestions below.

Fire – many people assume that fire will not kill a zombie but if it melts their brains it is very effective. A flame-thrower will keep them at bay but you will achieve better results by dousing them in a flammable substance and throwing a match at them.

Firearms – these can be difficult to use against zombies if you are not well trained. If the zombies are at a distance a head shot with a high-calibre rifle will do a great job of destroying their brain however accuracy over distance is difficult for anyone other than a trained marksman and there is also the issue of distinguishing the true zombie from the disillusioned suburbanite commuter. In close quarters a shotgun is more effective but the time it takes to reload might prove a handicap in a high volume zombie situation or a zombie apocalypse.

Bulldozer – if you have access to a bulldozer or tank these are very effective against large numbers of zombies. Just line them up and drive over them. In a bulldozer it is useful to have a good-looking assistant to ride shotgun and kill any zombies that are trying to climb on. Whilst not as effective as the bulldozer a car can be utilised as an anti-zombie weapon so long as you make sure that you run over their heads.  A bicycle is great for the environment but not so great for killing zombies unless you can beat their brains out of their heads with the frame.

Crowbars/hammers – Crowbars, hammers, jemmies and so on are quite effective when wielded by anyone with a bit of upper body strength. They are harder than heads so they are not likely to break. Humans are faster than zombies, which gives them an advantage when wielding weapons.

Ancient statuary  - Egyptian obelisks and busts of dead, famous people make fine anti-zombie weapons especially when dropped on their heads. Modern sculpture can work too if it is sufficiently robust.

Expolsives – ka-boom!! ‘nuff said.

The above list is far from exhaustive but the lesson that I hope that all guards and their clients will take from it is that nearly anything can be used to kill a zombie so long as it is powerful enough to destroy their brain.

Stopping the spread of Zombies.

In any Zombie situation one of the main problems is their ability to convert humans to zombies through contact with blood and other bodily fluids. Many security companies under-rate the importance of preventing infection by Zombies. Some companies that we contacted did not even know how Zombies spread!

Since Zombie infection can occur from scratces as well as biting it is important that security guards are issued with appropriate uniforms if there is any possibility of a Zombie encounter. If you suspect that Zombies will pose a threat to you or that there may be some in our area of operations it is vital that you inform us so that we can outfit our guards correctly.

A normal security uniform is provides no defence against zombie attack. Traditional knights armour and chain mail provides excellent protection but slows the wearer down. Since spped and agility is an important advantage that humans have over Zombies we do not recommend dressing in heavy armour. Luckliy we have numerous lightweight options available to us. Full-face motorbike helmets provide wonderful brain protection. If they are buckled up tightly they will thwart zombies eating your brain even after death since Zombies lack the coordination to unbuckle them. A lightweight Kevlar suit such as that worn by race car drivers will prevent scratches and bites from breaking the skin.

Our guards ready for an anti-Zombie patrol.